I had this dream that you were sitting in one of those big white puffy chairs (you know, the kind that looks like a bowl on its side) and I was sitting on your lap, my head fell on your shoulder, my arms wrapped around your neck and my legs draped over the side of the chair. Your face nuzzled into my hair. I think I was asleep because I looked so at home, so comfortable.

I love that dream.

I wish I could tell you.

I firmly believe that a tummy kiss/tummy fart (whatever you prefer to call it) will bring back the incredible child in anyone.

I am incredibly happy. I have no definite reason for my happiness and I do not care. I am just glad that I am happy. I absolutely love everything.
Maybe it is spring and the flowers that perfume everything.
Maybe it is because I am going home soon.
Maybe it is because I love my school so goddamn much I could burst.
Maybe it is a combination of these factors.
I really do not care
I am absolutely positively happy and I hope it does not stop.

( Spring at the BU beach )

love love love love love love love

I think a livejournal pre-birthday post(hah) is in order. This will be my third pre-birthday entry. I am going to be 20 in less than an hour. I will no longer be a teenager in less than an hour.
It is pretty scary.
I miss my mom; I was born on her birthday and I am absolutely remiss knowing that I will not see her tomorrow morning and wish her a happy birthday. She usually makes me pancakes with chocolate chips on my birthday.
I am so fucking scared; I know that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be the same, but I can't shake this daunting feeling. Maybe it is because this is my first birthday away from home. Maybe it is because I am turning 20.
I don't know.

I feel like I should be doing something right now. I need to go to a movie theater and loiter in front of it until my mom comes to pick me up. I need to make another fort in Joe's house. I need to take the bus to the beach with Desiree and Tawna. I need one more teenage hoorah.
I was a pretty cool teenager despite thinking I was sooo punk rock that that I had to wear spiked bracelets and Vans with starred pink laces. I kissed too many boys and I said, "rocks my socks." I stole things and snuck into an abandoned movie theater and bowling alley. I spent a large portion of teenagedom on a beach.

Remembering all of that made me feel pretty good. I had great teen years. I did good.

Goodbye teenage Marlesse. You were awesome.

Hello immature adult Marlesse, I'm sure you will be even better and, hopefully, even more adventurous.

A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.




http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/books/12vonnegut.html?hp

Four

So I was on myspace today (I know, myspace is dead. Whatev.) and I saw a comment with this,

______8888888888____________________
____888888888888888_________________
__888888822222228888________________
_88888822222222288888_______________
888888222222222228888822228888______
888882222222222222288222222222888___
8888822222222222222222222222222288__
_8888822222222222222222222222222_88_
__88888222222222222222222222222__888
___888822222222222222222222222___888
____8888222222222222222222222____888
_____8888222222222222222222_____888_
______8882222222222222222_____8888__
_______888822222222222______888888__
________8888882222______88888888____
_________888888_____888888888_______
__________88888888888888____________
___________888888888________________.

And I just wanted to know, who made the first one of these? Who had so much fucking time on their hands that they said, "you know what, I am going to make a heart entirely out of 8s and 2s. It is going to be awesome?" I can't lie, my immediate thought when I saw this numerical heart was, 'that is cute.' But someone saying/thinking "that's cute," would not be enough of a reason for me to create something like this.
Anyway, if anyone knows who originated the numerical heart, or knows anyone who makes these things, tell that person he/she should talk to Marlesse and then give them my contact information.

What Would J.Lo Do?

I feel that death should be coupled with something profound. With every death, individuals should receive epiphanies that make their lives a little more meaningful.
When my fourth grade teacher died, I realized I wanted to continue writing.
When my sister's boyfriend died, I was more relieved than shocked. He would no longer be around to continually drag her down. I know that is terrible to say and I am a terrible person for saying it, but I am not sorry because it is the truth. John's death made me realize that I was not as nice as I thought. The day I realized I was just as cruel as the next ass-hole was monumental.
Not only am I cruel, but I am also selfish; I require that death has to change my life, not just affect it. I cannot even let someone die without having expectations for them.
What is my problem?
I would like to think it is my way of keeping the person with me or my way of coping with death, but I know that is a huge load of sentimental bullshit.
My friend Kayla’s brother died yesterday. She walked into my room, ruddy patches splashed on her face, and put a quart of milk in our fridge and said “I don’t want this to spoil.” Then she told me and my roommate her brother died. I could not close my stupid gaping mouth.
Who thinks of the milk in their mini-fridge when they find out their sibling died?
After Kayla's brother's death, I realized that people will do anything to evade death and truth.

I know this is a little late, but I have picked out some New Year's resolutions.
1. I WILL NOT PROCRASTINATE.
2. I WILL GO TO THE GYM.
3. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

Silvana is beautiful.

I wish that the Magic 8-Ball would tell you a little more than yes or no.
Yes, oh wise Magic 8-Ball you have given me the answer, but why is it the answer?
I think I am asking for too much.
I know I am asking for too much.

But I need to know why!!!!

This is like me and calculus. I can't use an equation if I don't know why it is working. It makes me feel ignorant.

Someone or something tell me why so I can shut up.

I think about my future a lot; I guess it is customary for someone in my position. I searched for an answer and I accidentally found it. I decided I want to write. I don't know if it will just be limited to newspaper, but I know that is the direction I am going toward right now.

Life is good.

I am really happy. BU is wonderful. I found a floor full of quirky funny friends.
For all of you Floridians, this is what fall looks like-

One day, I will move mountains, today is not that day.
Tomorrow, I will move bags of clothing; it isn't a mountain, not even a hill, but it is a start.

Hello Beginning. I am scared shitless.

I have Trivia Pursuit cards in my closet. Today I took the cards down, and started to ask myself some questions. While trivia-ing it up, I noticed that the bottom of the cards were numbered. After looking long and hard at those numbers, I decided to put the entire deck of cards in numerical order. I am not proud to say that all 800 cards are in numerical order in two separate boxes; each box contains 400 cards. However, I am proud to say that I have every single card.
Why did I do this... I really don't know.
I was bored, but I could have easily watched a movie, gone running, gone to the park, or looked for coats, so I am not using that for a reason.
I have decided that I have gone crazy, or I have mild OCPD.

I can't wait for Boston. I leave sometime in the beginning of September.

I miss affection.
I just want to lie on someone or have someone lie on me.
I just need to lie on top of someone. I need to lie on top of someone good, and place my face beside his face and close my eyes.
I just need someone to lie on top of me. I just need someone good to lie on top of me. I will wrap my legs around his back and drape my arms over his shoulders and I will place my face next to his face and I will close my eyes because there won't be anything better.
I need someone's hand on my hips or in my hand. I need someone's arm around my waist or on my shoulder. I want someone to smile at, someone to smile back...Someone to smile for.
I don't want to get laid; no, I don't want sex. I don't want four-play; no, I don't feel like making-out; I want a meaningful embrace (and maybe a soft kiss) from someone truly good and I have neither embrace nor even a prospect of someone good.

I miss loving. I miss being loved.


...talk of the weather will do.

I like it.
( My last column :( )

I have not updated in a while so here goes:
I am going to BU. I am really frightened because I don't really know anyone there and I know so many great people that are going to UF, like Racheal, and I would be paid to go there and I could wear skirts all of the time. But BU did send me a map today and it is amazing; it is one of those pop up maps. :)


I have realized that when I like a guy I can not look him in the eye. Well I do but I don't do a very good job, and I also put my hair up and down a thousand times, which ruins any chance of it looking good.

So I kind of like a guy.
And it sucks because I was so happy before and I am a wreck now.

hah

I didn't get into Columbia, but I am not really surprised.

I am visiting Boston in two weeks and UF in one. I will decide which one to go to after that.

I am kind of happy right now, I don't know why, and I don't really care; I just hope the feeling stays.

I love my car. In the many months that I have had it, I have come to the conclusion that there is no better feeling than the one I get when I am driving home.

I love lying in my big sleigh bed.


I wonder where I will be this time next year...