This is the way the world ends

Oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 06:34:33 GMT

I had this dream that you were sitting in one of those big white puffy chairs (you know, the kind that looks like a bowl on its side) and I was sitting on your lap, my head fell on your shoulder, my arms wrapped around your neck and my legs draped over the side of the chair. Your face nuzzled into my hair. I think I was asleep because I looked so at home, so comfortable.

I love that dream.

I wish I could tell you.

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 23:11:18 GMT

I firmly believe that a tummy kiss/tummy fart (whatever you prefer to call it) will bring back the incredible child in anyone.

:D

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 22:35:15 GMT

I am incredibly happy. I have no definite reason for my happiness and I do not care. I am just glad that I am happy. I absolutely love everything.
Maybe it is spring and the flowers that perfume everything.
Maybe it is because I am going home soon.
Maybe it is because I love my school so goddamn much I could burst.
Maybe it is a combination of these factors.
I really do not care
I am absolutely positively happy and I hope it does not stop.

love love love love love love love

Twenty-teen?

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:40:44 GMT

I think a livejournal pre-birthday post(hah) is in order. This will be my third pre-birthday entry. I am going to be 20 in less than an hour. I will no longer be a teenager in less than an hour.
It is pretty scary.
I miss my mom; I was born on her birthday and I am absolutely remiss knowing that I will not see her tomorrow morning and wish her a happy birthday. She usually makes me pancakes with chocolate chips on my birthday.
I am so fucking scared; I know that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be the same, but I can't shake this daunting feeling. Maybe it is because this is my first birthday away from home. Maybe it is because I am turning 20.
I don't know.

I feel like I should be doing something right now. I need to go to a movie theater and loiter in front of it until my mom comes to pick me up. I need to make another fort in Joe's house. I need to take the bus to the beach with Desiree and Tawna. I need one more teenage hoorah.
I was a pretty cool teenager despite thinking I was sooo punk rock that that I had to wear spiked bracelets and Vans with starred pink laces. I kissed too many boys and I said, "rocks my socks." I stole things and snuck into an abandoned movie theater and bowling alley. I spent a large portion of teenagedom on a beach.

Remembering all of that made me feel pretty good. I had great teen years. I did good.

Goodbye teenage Marlesse. You were awesome.

Hello immature adult Marlesse, I'm sure you will be even better and, hopefully, even more adventurous.

Poo-tee-weet?

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 05:08:30 GMT

A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/books/12vonnegut.html?hp

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 01:11:26 GMT

Four

Love's equation

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 07:00:33 GMT

So I was on myspace today (I know, myspace is dead. Whatev.) and I saw a comment with this,

______8888888888____________________
____888888888888888_________________
__888888822222228888________________
_88888822222222288888_______________
888888222222222228888822228888______
888882222222222222288222222222888___
8888822222222222222222222222222288__
_8888822222222222222222222222222_88_
__88888222222222222222222222222__888
___888822222222222222222222222___888
____8888222222222222222222222____888
_____8888222222222222222222_____888_
______8882222222222222222_____8888__
_______888822222222222______888888__
________8888882222______88888888____
_________888888_____888888888_______
__________88888888888888____________
___________888888888________________.

And I just wanted to know, who made the first one of these? Who had so much fucking time on their hands that they said, "you know what, I am going to make a heart entirely out of 8s and 2s. It is going to be awesome?" I can't lie, my immediate thought when I saw this numerical heart was, 'that is cute.' But someone saying/thinking "that's cute," would not be enough of a reason for me to create something like this.
Anyway, if anyone knows who originated the numerical heart, or knows anyone who makes these things, tell that person he/she should talk to Marlesse and then give them my contact information.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 21:04:50 GMT

What Would J.Lo Do?

Effects

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 06:45:13 GMT

I feel that death should be coupled with something profound. With every death, individuals should receive epiphanies that make their lives a little more meaningful.
When my fourth grade teacher died, I realized I wanted to continue writing.
When my sister's boyfriend died, I was more relieved than shocked. He would no longer be around to continually drag her down. I know that is terrible to say and I am a terrible person for saying it, but I am not sorry because it is the truth. John's death made me realize that I was not as nice as I thought. The day I realized I was just as cruel as the next ass-hole was monumental.
Not only am I cruel, but I am also selfish; I require that death has to change my life, not just affect it. I cannot even let someone die without having expectations for them.
What is my problem?
I would like to think it is my way of keeping the person with me or my way of coping with death, but I know that is a huge load of sentimental bullshit.
My friend Kayla’s brother died yesterday. She walked into my room, ruddy patches splashed on her face, and put a quart of milk in our fridge and said “I don’t want this to spoil.” Then she told me and my roommate her brother died. I could not close my stupid gaping mouth.
Who thinks of the milk in their mini-fridge when they find out their sibling died?
After Kayla's brother's death, I realized that people will do anything to evade death and truth.

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 01:15:30 GMT

I know this is a little late, but I have picked out some New Year's resolutions.
1. I WILL NOT PROCRASTINATE.
2. I WILL GO TO THE GYM.
3. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 02:56:15 GMT

Silvana is beautiful.

magic?

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:12:36 GMT

I wish that the Magic 8-Ball would tell you a little more than yes or no.
Yes, oh wise Magic 8-Ball you have given me the answer, but why is it the answer?
I think I am asking for too much.
I know I am asking for too much.

But I need to know why!!!!

This is like me and calculus. I can't use an equation if I don't know why it is working. It makes me feel ignorant.

Someone or something tell me why so I can shut up.

Oh

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 06:42:55 GMT

I think about my future a lot; I guess it is customary for someone in my position. I searched for an answer and I accidentally found it. I decided I want to write. I don't know if it will just be limited to newspaper, but I know that is the direction I am going toward right now.

Life is good.

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 02:21:23 GMT

I am really happy. BU is wonderful. I found a floor full of quirky funny friends.
For all of you Floridians, this is what fall looks like-

Going up

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 00:05:16 GMT

One day, I will move mountains, today is not that day.
Tomorrow, I will move bags of clothing; it isn't a mountain, not even a hill, but it is a start.

Hello Beginning. I am scared shitless.

My pursuit of trivia.

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 00:04:11 GMT

I have Trivia Pursuit cards in my closet. Today I took the cards down, and started to ask myself some questions. While trivia-ing it up, I noticed that the bottom of the cards were numbered. After looking long and hard at those numbers, I decided to put the entire deck of cards in numerical order. I am not proud to say that all 800 cards are in numerical order in two separate boxes; each box contains 400 cards. However, I am proud to say that I have every single card.
Why did I do this... I really don't know.
I was bored, but I could have easily watched a movie, gone running, gone to the park, or looked for coats, so I am not using that for a reason.
I have decided that I have gone crazy, or I have mild OCPD.

I can't wait for Boston. I leave sometime in the beginning of September.

As long as it is talking with you...

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:18:59 GMT

I miss affection.
I just want to lie on someone or have someone lie on me.
I just need to lie on top of someone. I need to lie on top of someone good, and place my face beside his face and close my eyes.
I just need someone to lie on top of me. I just need someone good to lie on top of me. I will wrap my legs around his back and drape my arms over his shoulders and I will place my face next to his face and I will close my eyes because there won't be anything better.
I need someone's hand on my hips or in my hand. I need someone's arm around my waist or on my shoulder. I want someone to smile at, someone to smile back...Someone to smile for.
I don't want to get laid; no, I don't want sex. I don't want four-play; no, I don't feel like making-out; I want a meaningful embrace (and maybe a soft kiss) from someone truly good and I have neither embrace nor even a prospect of someone good.

I miss loving. I miss being loved.

...talk of the weather will do.

Last Column

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:12:20 GMT

I like it.
In 2002 Curtis Rivers jumped from a hot air balloon
15,200 feet above Puertollano, Spain. When I used to hear about people like Rivers I could not help but wonder what these people were thinking before they hurled themselves from a hot air balloon, or off of a cliff with only a very long elastic strap to keep them from plummeting to their deaths. Maybe it was the rush of adrenaline that caused these death-defying individuals to leap to their potential dooms.
Soon I will not need to question, because in September I will know what these people think before they leap,
because in September I will jump 1500 miles from Florida to Massachusetts, and I will do it blindfolded. To add irony to stupidity, I am also afraid of heights.
I am sure many people wonder why I would commit such a senseless act when I am obviously ill equipped for a jump of such an extreme length, but in order to answer that question I have to flashback to April. The
beginning of April brought with it spring, work, prom and the long-anticipated responses from my chosen
colleges. Although I did not meet the criteria for my dream college (Columbia is really lame after you think
about it for a long time, and it becomes especially lame when you couple those thoughts with a substantial
amount of rancor) I was accepted to two fantastic universities- The University of Florida and Boston University. I visited UF first and I was floored by the school’s natural beauty, spirit, and the large sum of money they were willing to give me, if I were to attend. After visiting UF I was nearly positive it would be my future school, but my mother and I went to see Boston just to reinforce my decision.
Two-weeks following my amazing trip to sunny UF, my mother and I embarked on our two and a half hour
journey to cold Boston. From the airport we took the T-train to Boston University. When I stepped off of
the platform and walked onto the streets of Boston, the first things I saw were the brownstones covered with vines and the cherry blossom trees, that were in full pink bloom, lining the streets and I fell in love with the beautiful city. I tried not to, but I could not help but smile, and I don’t mean a simple grin I mean one of those smiles that covers your face in its entirety by rows of bright teeth and spread lips. As I continued to explore the college, I was continually impressed by the students, staff and gorgeous campus. Even though I was sick, and snot was dripping down my cold, cold face I knew that in the fall I would brave the elements and the homesickness, and leave my friends and my palm trees to embrace the uncertainty, the cold, and the cherry blossom trees of Boston University.
To be perfectly honest, I am so scared I could urinate just thinking about leaving, but I feel it is something I have to do. I know I am leaving my family and friends and all of the things comfortable and familiar to me, but I know that what I’m going toward will be greater than anything I have known. Even though I don’t know how badly the fall will hurt me, even though I won’t know anyone where I will land, even though my mother will be 1500 miles away, even though I am not really sure what temperature you are supposed to wash white clothes in, I will take a parachute and I will jump. Now I know why River’s jumped. Rivers jumped despite the large chance of death, because every fiber in his body told him that if he did not leap, he would not live, so he bounded out of a hot air balloon 15,200 feet in the air, and lived.
Rivers now holds the title for the world’s highest bungee jump. I only hope that my accomplishments at
Boston University will merit as much. So I will leap; I will leap with one of those smiles that covers
your face in its entirety by rows of bright teeth and spread lips and hope that when I land, I will fall
perfectly in the middle of one of those beautiful cherry blossom trees.

Terriers are cute

Wed, 10 May 2006 02:43:53 GMT

I have not updated in a while so here goes:
I am going to BU. I am really frightened because I don't really know anyone there and I know so many great people that are going to UF, like Racheal, and I would be paid to go there and I could wear skirts all of the time. But BU did send me a map today and it is amazing; it is one of those pop up maps. :)

I have realized that when I like a guy I can not look him in the eye. Well I do but I don't do a very good job, and I also put my hair up and down a thousand times, which ruins any chance of it looking good.

So I kind of like a guy.
And it sucks because I was so happy before and I am a wreck now.

hah

Senioritis is a disease.

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 22:23:43 GMT

I didn't get into Columbia, but I am not really surprised.

I am visiting Boston in two weeks and UF in one. I will decide which one to go to after that.

I am kind of happy right now, I don't know why, and I don't really care; I just hope the feeling stays.

I love my car. In the many months that I have had it, I have come to the conclusion that there is no better feeling than the one I get when I am driving home.

I love lying in my big sleigh bed.

I wonder where I will be this time next year...

almost

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 02:53:05 GMT

I find out soon.
I have very little hope and even less faith, but it is still the only thing I think about.

I wish...

It is so beautiful, almost surreal.
I can picture myself rolling all over that snow.
ah : (

On a loftier note,
I got into UF and Boston. BU gave me enough money, so I think I may leave Sunny South Florida and head over to Beautiful Boston. This is something to smile about.

My mother told me she sees me at Columbia, if not now, then at graduate school. It comforts me when she says this, and I don't know why. I love my mom.

Funeral tomorrow

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 03:48:29 GMT

I kill people. It is what I do.

I put on my cleats a few days ago, they still fit.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 05:06:22 GMT

My birthday is less than a month away, I am not exactly sure how I feel about this. I have not been excited about a birthday since I left elementary school, I do not think this year will be any different. There is always the hope that it will be though.

I should be writing a Hamlet research report, but I am not. Instead I am updating my live journal because there is much more value in doing this. I am so easily distracted. I am such a ridiculous girl.

I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am tired of continuing on this beaten track day after monotonous fucking day. Maybe it would not be so bad if the days were not filled with so many useless requirements, but they are.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

We know it is coming, we know it is bad, but we beckon it toward us. Welcoming calamity like a warm blanket in winter, or in most of my situations a warm body. Gloved hands…hand gloving my hand. I am such a ridiculous girl.
I am a ridiculously lonely girl.

In other news I have my very own black eye. At first I hated it, but after awhile I came around. It is actually purple-blue-gray…not black.

and my heart has slowly dried up

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 17:16:28 GMT

I don’t really know what I want to say, but I know that I want to post, so here goes.

I will not get into Columbia. I have reserved myself to this fact, so that when the letter comes, the despondency that comes with it will not be so hard to endure.

I think, I might stay in Florida until graduate school and then I will go to Columbia.

If I do go to college in Florida, I am going to Europe in the summer; there I will master French and Spanish and come back home trilingual.

I am not giving up, I swear, it just seems to be more.....
I am giving in.

I am stuck in this emotional malaise. I have been for a little while, but I don’t know how to get out of it. I think it is college, everything about it either depresses or scares me, hopefully this will change when I receive an acceptance letter ,but until then I just want to get out of here.

School is no longer the desideratum it used to be. Every time I come back from long breaks, I feel sick. For the most part I love my teachers, I love what I am learning, but the people that surround me are so thick.

My government teacher sucks. The only way we are going to pass that damn test is if we all become autodidacts, which is highly unlikely.

I hate being editor-in chief by myself ; it is too much.

I hate that I complain.

Good Things
I got perfects in the French competition, which has only further inflated my French ego.

That was the only good thing.

fuck.

bah!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 18:41:34 GMT

Silver Knight...I shake my fist at you!